Little house by the river

Yesterday didn't went very well. I went to the forest trip although I was very anxious about it. It was good to see all the people. The actual trip went quite well but when I was driving home I cried all the way. In the half way I had so bad panic attack that I had to stop. I couldn't breath, I didn't see anything, I though I was dying. Finally I get home after my dad game to escort me. So yes I drove home on my own. My husband was so worried about me and my sister too. I'm going to go psychiatric emergency tomorrow with my sis. I need help quick, although I have customership to the psychiatric polyclinic but things go forward so slowly there. I am so tired. So fucking tired. I can't do my job although I want to. I don't survive, I feel so stupid. I am sick and I can't get better. Sickness is in my head and I can't change it. Would it be more acceptable if I had cancer? Now I am just human waste. Probably I did this to my self. I am worthless, I am n...

My stomach has always been bad. It hurts and swallows and looks like I'm pregnant. I get really worried about it because I have been shitting blood for a while(pardon my language).  I was so tired before I realized I am depressed again. I looked like a ghost. I couldn't do the things that I used to do. It felt not only mental but physical too. And then the bleeding started. I have colonoscopy in the end of the month and I am terrified what is going to be found. In the least bad scenario I just have inner bleeding hemorrhoids. In the worst scenario I have cancer and that is scaring me like a hell. It is suspected that I have colitis ulcerosa which is quite bad too and it expose to cancer. My mother had IBS and later colon cancer where she also died. My other family members have bad stomack too. So there is a lot factors that expose to the worst scenario. Well, I try not to think about it too much. I have been reading some studies about stomach function and its effect to the br...

I once wrote to myself about the Black monster. That is the name I cave to my decease. I have been more or less depressed for years. It was very hard to admit to myself that yes I am sick and I need help. I can’t cope on my own anymore. That monster eats me up, slowly piece by piece. It takes away everything that I love, all the colors disappear. It is like the “Mörkö” from Moomin, so lonely and scary, searching for the friend and that damn diamond. Well, my monster is also lonely and scary but it has something important to say. Although I want to kick its furry ass. If I depress it, it always comes back screaming to my ear; “listen to me!” I have some traumas, I guess everybody has, it is part of being human. Some can deal it easier and some not at all. Okay, there is different size of trauma. Dramatic ones like war, natural disaster, abuse, lethal sickness etc. but also smaller traumas cause problems. It is always about person’s capability to cope. I would never underrate a...

The first text is always difficult to start. I have started many blogs before, but after a while I just forget them. Well, this time is different, I hope. It's funny to write on english. I often think in english which I have been thinking is it quite normal? But hey, there in no such a thing as normal. This is one thing I try to avoid. Word normal, there might be  a word average, but I try to avoid that too. One of my old student friends gave me a lot of inspiration by saying "none of us is normal". This is one thing I like to highlight here. I was diagnosed to have inattentive AD/HD in 2014, now I have suspection about Asperger too. I am 33 years old woman and I have always been struggling more or less. Well this might explain a lot. I have on and off depression and anxiety while I feel I dont't quite fit in to this world. Many doesn't even know that because I'm very good to compensete and I still find a lot good too. But sometimes this world is just litt...