The Black Monster

I once wrote to myself about the Black monster. That is the name I cave to my decease. I have been more or less depressed for years. It was very hard to admit to myself that yes I am sick and I need help. I can’t cope on my own anymore.

That monster eats me up, slowly piece by piece. It takes away everything that I love, all the colors disappear. It is like the “Mörkö” from Moomin, so lonely and scary, searching for the friend and that damn diamond. Well, my monster is also lonely and scary but it has something important to say. Although I want to kick its furry ass. If I depress it, it always comes back screaming to my ear; “listen to me!”

I have some traumas, I guess everybody has, it is part of being human. Some can deal it easier and some not at all. Okay, there is different size of trauma. Dramatic ones like war, natural disaster, abuse, lethal sickness etc. but also smaller traumas cause problems. It is always about person’s capability to cope. I would never underrate anyone’s pain because that pain is real. There is also lot of feelings, difficult feelings that I can’t deal with. I don’t know is it our culture or what but it feels wrong to feel certain feelings like anger. Especially anger is very difficult for me.

I have noticed that I just have to listen to myself. Cry and scream when it feels like it, and hug that little girl in me and say that everything is ok. You are not alone, you are never alone. Everything is going to be fine. I take care of you. I love you.