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One step forward two steps back

Yesterday didn't went very well. I went to the forest trip although I was very anxious about it. It was good to see all the people. The actual trip went quite well but when I was driving home I cried all the way. In the half way I had so bad panic attack that I had to stop. I couldn't breath, I didn't see anything, I though I was dying.

Finally I get home after my dad game to escort me. So yes I drove home on my own. My husband was so worried about me and my sister too. I'm going to go psychiatric emergency tomorrow with my sis. I need help quick, although I have customership to the psychiatric polyclinic but things go forward so slowly there.

I am so tired. So fucking tired. I can't do my job although I want to. I don't survive, I feel so stupid. I am sick and I can't get better. Sickness is in my head and I can't change it. Would it be more acceptable if I had cancer? Now I am just human waste. Probably I did this to my self. I am worthless, I am nothing.

My employer is very understanding. That feels overwhelming, to be understood. But I am so big disappointment to my self.

Today I have some different therapy while I am going to butcher some sheep at my friends farm. Might sound terrifying to modern people but that brings me back to basics. I get my own food, I know that animal have been living good life. It doesn't going to feel any pain. It is real, while very few things feels real in this world.

I probably have to stay to hospital tomorrow. Even that scares me. Happily my big sister is with me.

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